Saying "please" and "谢谢"

In the February issue of beijing kids I wrote about a culture clash of manners we've experienced in our family.

A few years ago while visiting the US, I walked into a fraught lunchtime scene: Brigid was sulking, separated from the table where the other children in the family were happily eating. The family member in whose care I had left her that morning pounced on me with the explanation of what had occurred. Brigid had been served lunch, and the family member waited a moment to be thanked. Even after prompting, “what-do-you-say,” Brigid remained silent. For this offense, she was banished until I returned to deal with her.

The family member was understandably angry. I was embarrassed. At risk of exposing one of my weaker mothering moments, I admonished Brigid strongly for her ungratefulness. She was old enough to know better, I growled. My daughter looked up at me, tearful and baffled.

“Why would I say, ‘thank you’ to someone for giving me lunch? We’re not in a restaurant,” Brigid cried. “We’re with family!”

The rest of it can be found in the print edition or here on the beijing kids the website. The whole situation took me by surprise. I am still not at all sure I handled it correctly.

Just a few weeks ago, I thought we were going to have a replay of this.

More after the jump




We were at a Mardi Gras dinner at Caravan.




The waiter had brought Brigid her juice, and just as she was about to express her gratitude, she froze. As he left our table, I turned to her, annoyed.

"Haven't we covered this before? Didn't I just write about this? Did you forget something?"

"I know! I know I'm supposed to say thank you. I just---wasn't sure what language to use? English? Chinese? French?"

Our waiter that night was a foreigner, as is the owner of Caravan. Some of the other people who work there are Chinese. And the French? I wasn't sure where she got that except that other times we have been there many other customers have been Francophone, and Caravan's owner also speaks French. In this situation, Brigid's confusion stemmed from the wonderful cultural soup we sometimes find ourselves in.

At that night, I clarified the please-and-thank-you rule. When in doubt which language to use, default to the language in which we ordered.