Our expat conundrum

Last week. I signed Myles up for his first soccer league. If we still lived in the US this wouldn't be significant news, except for a mama noting this milestone (Mylestone). However, our living situation made this a bit of a challenge, and we wondered if it is worth that challenge.

Saturday morning was his first soccer morning, and I think we all now agree it is worth it. He's the only non-European on his team, which means he's also the only one who was completely unfamiliar with the skills and the rules of the game. This did not diminish his enthusiasm one bit. He could barely sit still in the car on the way to the sports field. He wouldn't take the uniform off until close to bedtime.

As far as we can tell, there isn't any sort of extramural sports league for children in our (primarily Chinese) area. Perhaps at their schools our neighbors' children get to participate in some organized play. Over in the areas where foreigners are concentrated, there are multiple leagues for soccer, and baseball, even hockey, as well as opportunities for Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. These activities organized by foreigners for foreigners. Fortunately, they publicize these opportunities fairly well and when we were in expat-Beijing recently we saw that we still had time to sign him up for this league.


The practices and games are held every Saturday morning on the campus of one of the International Schools in the expat area, so our drive comes out to about forty-five minutes each way. I wasn't sure whether this was too extreme of us, to go so far so Myles could play organized soccer. There are parents in the US who do commit that kind of travel time to their kids' sports and activities, but rarely for something as basic as five-year-old introductory level play. This isn't an FA-cup prep league or anything like that. It's just our only opportunity right now to give him this experience. For several years he's watched my nephew and Randy's grandson suit up for their sports leagues and he's waited his turn.

Living where we do, we are faced with choices that only a few years ago I never would have imagined. Should we send him to a Chinese school, or should we worry about his keeping pace with his American counterparts? Do we sign him up for sports with the time and travel commitments that entails? Do we hire an ayi? It goes on and on. How much of our Western life do we maintain (no matter what cost), and how much of the "unique experience" do we pursue?

Obviously there are several non-negotiable things. We have to go to Mass, for instance, and we have never questioned the hour-long drive each way or the US$30 in carfare to get there and back (Randy still does not like to drive in the area where our church is which is why we still hire a driver Sunday mornings).

We definitely appreciate the opportunity to learn Mandarin in an immersion environment. After 10 months of hiatus I am trying to get back into Chinese lessons. Myles, too, needs to step up his game in this department, and that probably means at some point going to some sort of local school. But these language lessons would not be possible for us if we still lived in the US.

And then there is everything else. In the first few years when we were living in Shenzhen, there was still some chance Randy would work again in the US. Now that is not as likely, and we have to re-examine our priorities and choices. What is our goal: to keep it real as Americans or become more absorbed into our local culture?

What comes from such deliberations, for us, is the realization that we have to judge everything for its worth based purely on what is best for our family, and not how American or non-American something is. Take the soccer decision. Myles is not playing soccer just because it is a normal Western thing for a five-almost-six-year-old to do on weekends. Myles is playing soccer because we believe that organized sports teaches children valuable lessons about teams and cooperation, and the physical skills and exercise are also important, too. Unlike pick-up games, which are fun, organized sports also provide the children with some adult guidance as well to help reinforce commitment and discipline. The only way we we've found so far to get him involved in such an activity is to join an expat club and drive all that way.

We'll be looking for a new apartment soon (friends, family and long-time blog readers will remember how much I LOVE this process in China and by LOVE I mean something entirely different). Now that Randy has a driver's license it is really tempting to retreat to an area in the Eastern parts of Beijing where more expats live. It would definitely be more comfortable to be around even a few more Westerners, if only to avoid some of the uncomfortable or frustrating situations we've found ourselves in around town. And daily access to the Western groceries and Starbucks would have its perks as well. But Randy works in Changping, and driving all that way to and from work in Beijing traffic would make him miserable. Additionally, moving out of the Chinese neighborhoods would mean significantly higher rent, something we need to keep in mind. We are probably going to remain in Changping for the time being.

We can't do things just to try to maintain our cultural American-ness because it is impossible given our geographic location. But on the other hand, we can't stop either because some of it is actually good or fun for us (soccer, chocolate chips, etc). We also can't do things just because they are unique and/or Chinese. We can't treat our familly as a social experiment.

I joke that living in China has now doubled my chances for screwing up my kids, triple if you count expat culture. Some days, though, it is hard to joke about it. Those are the days I am weighed down with worry, and paralyzed with indecisiveness. If it weren't for Facebook and my family and friends counseling me, I'd still be debating with myself about whether Myles should be in this soccer league today.