To ayi or not ayi
N.B. raises the question in the comments below about why I still haven't hired an ayi. If you search my blog I've talked about it off-and-on, and some of our reasons. The reasons themselves change depending on what is going on in our lives, and what we see going on in others. It's not a totally closed matter, but we are for now happily ayi-less.
One of the very first reasons, I must admit, was out of spite. My very first week in China, in 2006, we went to dinner with some of Randy's American friends and co-workers. Not one of them at that time was married to their first wife, nor the young Chinese woman who accompanied each one of them to dinner. One of these men, who despite the fact that he does live in a gated community, has no love for American women, expat or no. Right after I was introduced to him, he asked me, "Are you going to get a nanny while you are here?" I was suprised by this question (but not his tone) because at that point I hadn't been exposed to the ayi-culture yet. This same man insisted that I would hate it here, and our marriage would crumble under the pressure here, blah blah blah, and so, because I immediately decided to prove this (expletive) wrong, we never even entertained the thought of an ayi through 2006.
Another reason in 2006 was that Myles and I were here only for two separate two-month periods. There was no way we could have aquainted ourselves and hired an ayi in that short time. Having spent that time without any domestic help, it was really difficult for us to say we really needed it when we returned for the full year in 2007. We had already figured out how the kitchen appliances worked, how to buy food, and how to buy cleaning products. And when we did return, we were in such a state of grief tover the loss of our daughter hat we really didn't feel comfortable hiring a stranger to be in our home to be around that.
Probably the biggest reason is what we have always wanted our homelife to be like. We believe that every member of this family is personally responsible for maintaining a livable home for one another. We pick up after ourselves, we clean our house, we prepare (or buy) and share meals together. I'm not saying that other foreign families don't also live like that, but I know my own weaknesses. It would be very easy for me to start to be absent from some of these mundane things to do something I really enjoy doing for myself, by myself. I would much rather get my nails done or read an absorbing book or go to an grown-up movie or anything without a million distractions than cut vegetables or clean the shower or sit in the hot, humid Shenzhen air while Myles plays at the playground. I would really love to just show up to my home, after an afternoon doing what I want, and dinner be in progress and the house look immaculate. However, that is just not healthy, sustainable behavior for our family. Someday we will be living in the US again. We won't have an ayi there. Interestingly, this is a belief also held by many of the Japanese expatriate families here. They also do not usually have ayi because they can't afford that level of help when they return to Japan.
The cost actually does figure into this, with 1000 RMB and up for a Chinese helper and 4000 and up for a Filipino. Certainly, these numbers are very inexpensive compared to what a maid and a nanny cost in the US. With the discretionary funds we have available right now, we have decided that it is more important for me to have Chinese lessons than a Chinese helper, and the Starbucks budget is already off-limits. I spend 400 RMB a week on my Chinese tutor, and it is completely worth it. In just six months my Chinese-speaking and understanding has really improved. Randy prefers, too, that I have the Chinese lessons rather than someone available to mop the house three times a day. We don't generally eat off the floor in our house anyway, so as long as it isn't sticky, dirty, or crunchy, Randy is pretty much okay with how it looks. And on those days when it is a mess and I am not here, yes, he picks up a mop himself.
Not having an ayi is probably one of the biggest reasons I wanted to move out of Shekou when we had to look for an apartment in January of this year. Between Myles not being in school and my taking him to the playground myself, we did not fit in well there at all. Most expatriate women's daily blues were nothing like mine. Myles was also starting to develop a worldview that domestic helpers were non-white people in the service of white people, and that is part of the experience of living here that we definitely do not want him to take away from this.
So, for us, it is really about how we want to live, and what is right for our family. I guess it sounds crazy because even the homeschooler who lives across the street from me in Pittsburgh was surprised I didn't have someone to do all my cooking and cleaning for me. If a homeschooler thinks I am crazy........(Danielle, if you are out there this is your cue to say I am not crazy :-) ).
One of the very first reasons, I must admit, was out of spite. My very first week in China, in 2006, we went to dinner with some of Randy's American friends and co-workers. Not one of them at that time was married to their first wife, nor the young Chinese woman who accompanied each one of them to dinner. One of these men, who despite the fact that he does live in a gated community, has no love for American women, expat or no. Right after I was introduced to him, he asked me, "Are you going to get a nanny while you are here?" I was suprised by this question (but not his tone) because at that point I hadn't been exposed to the ayi-culture yet. This same man insisted that I would hate it here, and our marriage would crumble under the pressure here, blah blah blah, and so, because I immediately decided to prove this (expletive) wrong, we never even entertained the thought of an ayi through 2006.
Another reason in 2006 was that Myles and I were here only for two separate two-month periods. There was no way we could have aquainted ourselves and hired an ayi in that short time. Having spent that time without any domestic help, it was really difficult for us to say we really needed it when we returned for the full year in 2007. We had already figured out how the kitchen appliances worked, how to buy food, and how to buy cleaning products. And when we did return, we were in such a state of grief tover the loss of our daughter hat we really didn't feel comfortable hiring a stranger to be in our home to be around that.
Probably the biggest reason is what we have always wanted our homelife to be like. We believe that every member of this family is personally responsible for maintaining a livable home for one another. We pick up after ourselves, we clean our house, we prepare (or buy) and share meals together. I'm not saying that other foreign families don't also live like that, but I know my own weaknesses. It would be very easy for me to start to be absent from some of these mundane things to do something I really enjoy doing for myself, by myself. I would much rather get my nails done or read an absorbing book or go to an grown-up movie or anything without a million distractions than cut vegetables or clean the shower or sit in the hot, humid Shenzhen air while Myles plays at the playground. I would really love to just show up to my home, after an afternoon doing what I want, and dinner be in progress and the house look immaculate. However, that is just not healthy, sustainable behavior for our family. Someday we will be living in the US again. We won't have an ayi there. Interestingly, this is a belief also held by many of the Japanese expatriate families here. They also do not usually have ayi because they can't afford that level of help when they return to Japan.
The cost actually does figure into this, with 1000 RMB and up for a Chinese helper and 4000 and up for a Filipino. Certainly, these numbers are very inexpensive compared to what a maid and a nanny cost in the US. With the discretionary funds we have available right now, we have decided that it is more important for me to have Chinese lessons than a Chinese helper, and the Starbucks budget is already off-limits. I spend 400 RMB a week on my Chinese tutor, and it is completely worth it. In just six months my Chinese-speaking and understanding has really improved. Randy prefers, too, that I have the Chinese lessons rather than someone available to mop the house three times a day. We don't generally eat off the floor in our house anyway, so as long as it isn't sticky, dirty, or crunchy, Randy is pretty much okay with how it looks. And on those days when it is a mess and I am not here, yes, he picks up a mop himself.
Not having an ayi is probably one of the biggest reasons I wanted to move out of Shekou when we had to look for an apartment in January of this year. Between Myles not being in school and my taking him to the playground myself, we did not fit in well there at all. Most expatriate women's daily blues were nothing like mine. Myles was also starting to develop a worldview that domestic helpers were non-white people in the service of white people, and that is part of the experience of living here that we definitely do not want him to take away from this.
So, for us, it is really about how we want to live, and what is right for our family. I guess it sounds crazy because even the homeschooler who lives across the street from me in Pittsburgh was surprised I didn't have someone to do all my cooking and cleaning for me. If a homeschooler thinks I am crazy........(Danielle, if you are out there this is your cue to say I am not crazy :-) ).
Comments
And I'm glad to see that you know yourself so very well; that helps.
BTW, I saw "The Bus" at a Obama rally on TV the other day. Just thought you might like to know!
You are not crazy, you are who you are, just living in a different country. That is living the "American Way", just not in America!
GO GIRL!!!!!
Aunt AM
The root of the matter to me is....why is it that other people tfeel the need to impose their point of view on YOUR life, this need to have everyone live exactly alike. And I guess I'm surprised that so many people are even asking you this "to AYI or NOT to AYI" question! OK obviously it's one of those cultural things ...But the same type of thing applies here at home. I'm continually surprised at the constant need of some people to make snap judgements about OTHER people's lives, to assume a perosn is doing "it" wrong becasue they're not doing "it" like everyone else does. ("it" being anything from how to raise and educate one's kids to how to clean a house etc) I guess it's just one of those things I will never get...
Could it be they don't have the courage to take the responsibility on themselves? I am guessing they didn't have an ayi before they got there. So someone convinces them that they cannot get by without one and they get one and then if they convice you to do it that is some sort of approval by you of their decision.
People who hire out the daily care of their kids like to talk about "quality time." It was my experience, though, (I worked full time after the birth of my first child) that you just can't schedule "quality time." In human relationships, quality happens through quantity. The good stuff -- the important stuff -- happens here and there throughout your day, while you are doing those little things with and for your family.
You are not crazy to want to be there for that. You are not crazy to want that kind of quality and quantity for your family. You are a wise, generous, and loving wife and mother. You will not regret being there in all the small ways that add up to big ways. Not ever.